


The First Time She Ran Away

by AmandaG96



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alice in Wonderland References, Anger, DontMessWithMamaBear, F/M, Fear, Human, MamaBear - Freeform, MamaBearAmanda, Overworked, Running Away, Vulcan, Worry, shuttle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26025184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaG96/pseuds/AmandaG96
Summary: Before the time she ran away to Vulcan's forge, Michael went in search of a rabbit hole that could possibly lead to her parents. Amanda uses her motherly instinct to find a missing Michael before she reaches the dangerous Vulcan's forge.
Relationships: Amanda Grayson/Sarek
Kudos: 7





	The First Time She Ran Away

**Author's Note:**

> I know that in Discovery, Michael is portrayed to be much older but in my versions please note that she is a bit younger in my stories.

It's been two months since Michael came into our lives and each day with the little girl was different. One day, the six-year-old would be attached to me, the next she would be attached to Sarek and wouldn't even look in my direction. My mother told me that this is normal in children who have experienced trauma, and that the best thing to do would be to give her space and time to adjust. While all I wanted to do was give her love and affection, I knew that if anyone knew best it would be my mother. Even though Michael was back and forth between Sarek and I, Spock was an entirely different story. They were becoming inseparable, and Michael was even bringing more emotion out in Spock, and while it brought me great joy, it was something Sarek frowned greatly upon. Nonetheless, hearing them laugh from my office as they play in the sitting room made my heart swell with love and happiness.

On this day, the children were heard from my office as Sarek and I attempted to construct points of interest in an upcoming diplomatic meeting. Sarek and I hid ourselves away and while we thought it wouldn't take too long, after seven hours, we realized that we seriously overestimated the importance of the meeting. We started working at 12 noon and for the first time in hours, I glanced up at the clock: 7:30PM.

I was sitting at my desk when a knock broke us from concentration. The door opened and the children walked in along with their nanny, Linnea.

"The children have come to say goodnight" Linnea announced.

"Is it bedtime already?" I asked as the children walked up to me. I pulled them into a hug and kissed them both on the head. While Spock was still rather uncomfortable when it came to physical interaction, with Michael now here, he doesn't pull away as quickly as before. I'm very thankful for the five extra seconds of cuddles with him.

"I'm so sorry that we have been working all day." I told them,

"There is no reason to apologise, mother" Spock reassured, as they pulled away from the hug "we understand the duties that you and father must uphold". His logic was still intact and becoming sharper by the day. I caressed the back of their pajamas.

"Indeed, Spock" I smiled and turned my attention to both children,

"Do you like your new pajama's? Are they nice and warm?"

With winter approaching, temperatures on this planet can drop quite drastically. While it was a welcome relief from the usually harsh summer temperatures, it proved to be quite harsh for the children and even in 7 Celsius weather (which was not cold for me) I would often wake to one of the children cuddled up to me in bed for warmth, which was not a welcome surprise for my husband. So, I figured some nice warm pajamas would a) keep the children in their own bed and b) keep my husband in our bed at night.

"Yes, mother. The fabric is quite comfortable for sleep. It is known the cotton is proven to provide comfort in both hot and cold climates. It seems that these pajamas have three layers of cotton fabric providing a significant amount of warmth in the winter season."

Oh, he certainly could go on and on, couldn't he? But it was a beautiful sound and it made me happy to hear his knowledge. I looked at Michael who simply nodded.

"I am glad you both think so. Your father seemed to think that white was not a wise choice of colour, but if I may say, you both look great in the colour".

I turned to Linnea who stood by the door, her arms crossed and rested just above her growing bump. Her blonde hair rested just above her shoulders; and her eyes were heavy with sleep. I smiled sweetly to her asking

"Did they have dinner?"

"Yes, Lady Amanda" Linnea said, "They ate two hours ago".

"And did you eat?" I asked her softly.

A small smile passed her lips, "of course, my lady"

"Will you be reading to us tonight, mother?" Spock asked,

My stomach filled with butterflies, I always made it a habit to read to them at night, at least one chapter, but with the upcoming meeting and minimal talking points, I'm afraid I couldn't. "I'm afraid not. Your father and I still have business to attend to, but I promise, tomorrow night I will read you both two extra chapters, how does that sound?".

A smile grazed across Michael's face and a slight twinge from the side of Spock's.

"Pinky swears?" Michael asked,

"Swear, not swears" I corrected, holding out my pinky and intertwining it with hers "I pinky swear" I said, then intertwining mine with Spock "I pinky swear". I hugged them both again before placing another kiss on each of their heads. "Right, now go say goodnight to your father. Then teeth and bed".

"Yes, Mother"

"Yes, Amanda"

After a quick goodnight to Sarek, the children were ushered out by their Nanny and we were left to return to our work.

"I am still of the opinion that white is not a sufficient colour for children."

I rolled my eyes playfully, "You and white. Why do you hate it so much?"

* * *

Jesus Christ, were we done yet?! I rubbed my aching temples as I pace about the room, my loose burgundy dress trailed behind me as I tried to focus on the paper in front of me. The hours passed, time quickly escaped us and before I knew it, half 10 came along, but with this headache it felt much later. I groaned lightly,

"Candlelight" I called, the room went from the harsh overhead light to a soft and gentle light that radiated only from the holographic candles. As Sarek continued to talk and offer suggestions, I sat at my desk and after a moment, finally admitted defeat.

"My love, it's late and my head is hurting. Perhaps we should-"

The door shot open, Linnea, stood in the doorway looking flushed and panicked. My eyes were immediately drawn to her belly, was it the baby?

"Linnea, what is it? Are you-"

"Michael's missing." Her words shot through my chest like a loaded pistol. I felt the colour drain from my face as I shot up from my chair. "She's not in her room. She's not with Spock, She's not anywhere in the house! Amanda, we have looked everywhere"

Panic. Fear. Sadness. And Sickness? It all rushed through my body. I held my stomach as my first reaction was to vomit. I took a deep breath and forced my stomach to calm down. _Amanda, you cannot panic!_ I told myself, _the more time you spend panicking and not looking for the child, the more engendered she is._ Collecting myself to the best of my ability, I looked up at Linnea, who stared at Sarek and I with tears in her eyes. I couldn't help but worry at how panicked she looked, and in her condition, being panicked is not wise. She was 4.5 months pregnant; she was the same stage I was when… I walked over to her and tried with everything in me to hide my fear. I had to be strong for us both. I glanced back at Sarek, hell for us all.

"Have you checked in the kitchen, the crawl spaces?" Sarek asked. She could only manage a nod before bursting into tears.

"Now, you need to be calm" I told her, surprised at how calm my voice sounded. I placed my hands on her arms in attempt to calm her. "you need to breathe and tell us when you saw her last and where you have looked."

Suddenly, I saw Sarek rushed past us through the door, calling for more servants. While I wanted nothing more than to follow him, I knew that anyone had more information it would be Linnea herself. I wrapped my arms around her and walked her over to the sitting room just outside of my office and sat her down on the sofa. Her voice was now in a whisper as she started to tell me what happened, I sat down beside her. Sarek never approved of the servants being casual with us, but Linnea and her husband were different and during moments alone and times of stress, we found ourselves retreating to old times. Her voice shook with tears,

"Manda, I put them to bed just after they said goodnight at 7.45. Felix and I checked on this after 15 minutes at 8.00, they both were there and asleep, we checked again at 8.30 and they were still there, and then as usual we checked again after two hours at 10.30…"

She was always very precise, usually it annoyed me but, on this occasion, I was rather grateful. I looked at the clock on the wall, 10:45pm. She continued,

"…and Spock was there but Michael was not. At first, we thought she was just walking around the house, but we checked everywhere we could think of and Miranda and Christina checked the kitchen and crawl spaces"

"Ok, ok." I wrapped her in a hug, the tears were now pouring down her face. "I'm so sorry, Manda" she cried, "I'm so sorry, forgive me".

I saw Sarek return with Felix and the other servants and immediately started to question them on the precise times. I drew in a deep breath, feeling nausea return deep in the pit of my stomach. _You have to be strong, Amanda. Be strong. Hold it in._

"It is alright, Linnea" I told her, "This is not your fault. You did everything right." I pulled her away and looked her in the eyes, she always took her job seriously with the children and I knew that she and Felix loved them just as much as Sarek and I, but she needed to calm down. "Now for the sake of the baby you must calm down. Sarek and I will figure this out and we will find her". While I was filled with doubt, I forced myself to believe the words as I spoke them. Linnea had known me for over 10 years, if anyone could read through me, it would be her. I pulled my friend back into a hug.

* * *

I paced throughout the sitting room, I swore I could see tracks after a while as I walked up and down the carpet. Calmness was slipping and quite quickly as the minutes continued to pass. I looked up at the clock on the wall: 11.20pm. Sarek's voice rang through my head as he spoke with Felix, having him repeat the story over and over. I looked over at Linnea who sat on the sofa, the colour in her face still had not returned, with her head rested in her hands between her legs she continued to sob quietly. I turned my attention back to the men as Felix went over the story for the fourth time. They sent the children to sleep, checked on them 15 minutes later, both were still there. After 30 minutes, they checked again, both were still there. After two hours, they checked again, Spock was there, but Michael was gone.

I played the scene over and over in my head _. 15.20.2 15.20.2 it was a numbers game. 15.20.2 there are 60 minutes in an hour 60 plus 60 is 120 so technically I'd be 15.20.120. yes, 15.20.120. They did this every day with the children, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 120 minutes. She must have caught on to the pattern, she was a smart girl. Therefore, she must have left immediately after they checked the second time._ I found myself playing with the numbers, but with this headache, the nausea in the pit of my stomach, and my own _La'tak Terai_ I was struggling. I could feel my hands shake as I tried to figure out mathematically of how far she could be _She's been gone for probably over two hours, she isn't that fast, so I estimate probably a quarter of a mile in half an hour… no wait, she's' six that's impossible… isn't it?_ Admitting defeat, I tried to focus back to the conversation at hand.

"Did you hear Spock?" I blurted out mid conversation, "sometimes he likes to read the doctrine of law to Michael, did you hear anything, did you hear him read, or her read, fighting, arguing, muttering, whispering, anything?"

"Nothing, Lady Amanda." He said, "I heard nothing when I passed their bedrooms"

The fear was too much to bear, I felt it rise in me like fire from the pit of my stomach, like it was almost replacing the nausea. I had never snapped at any of the servants, especially Felix, and the moments the words escaped my mouth I felt the tears drop down my face.

"Well, we're missing something, Felix! There is no way a six-year-old girl just vanished from this house in thin air! There must be something you're not telling us, there must be something missing!"

"I heard Michael mention a rabbit hole" Linnea's teary voice interrupted, "It was the second time we checked on the children, I passed her room and I heard her mention something about a rabbit hole"

The room seemed to have stopped, it was quite ciaos, but all eyes fell silently on Linnea. Rabbit hole? Why was this know being mentioned?! I felt the anger surge through my body, but I knew deep down it wasn't their faults and yelling at Linnea would do no favors. I took a deep breath forcing the anger down in my stomach,

"But… she has no books in her room. I always keep the books in-". Suddenly, like a light bulb, I had an idea, but I seriously hoped I was wrong as it made my stomach start turning again. We went on a hike a couple of weeks ago, in the woods, she found a hole in the ground, she said it looked like a –

"Rabbit hole" I mumbled, she couldn't have run into the woods, could she? But that's the only place where it would make sense. The horrors rans through my head, during the night, dangerous creatures raged through the woods, and if she were gone for this long, she might have been on the edge of Vulcans forge, where the dangers were unimaginable. Without saying a word, I turned on my heels and ran into my office feeling Sarek and Felix follow behind,

"Amanda?" Sarek called, "Amanda, what is it?"

I went to my desk, looking feverishly under the many papers. I opened the drawers, throwing useless things out and finally checked on the bookshelf, it was always in the same place if not on my desk. It never moved, but there in between Through the Looking Glass and Peter Pan there was a gap. It was gone. Alice was gone.

"Alice in Wonderland is gone. My copy of it is gone" I felt sick, I felt like I was going to vomit, pass out, or both. I clenched my stomach and reached my hand out finding balance against the bookcase, as the memory of our hike flooded my mind, I took the children out in the daytime, when it is safe, it was meant to be a learning experience for Michael who had hardly been out of the house since her arrival.

_-0-0-_

" _Look Amanda!" I heard Michael call from behind me. I turned around to see the little girl crouched down over a small hole. "It's the rabbit hole from the book! From Alice"_

" _You are aware that the book mother reads is not real. There is no such thing as Wonderland" Spock said._

" _I know that, stupid! Maybe this hole leads to something else. Something greater" She looked up from the hole to me, "like my parents."_

_It was very hot that day, I usually never ventured out this long when it was this hot. I wiped sweat from my brow and held out my hand, willing to say anything to get the child away from the fascinating sight._

" _Michael, you know that Alice is just a story. That hole likely houses one of the many creatures living in these woods. It does not lead to your parents"_

_-0-0-_

I ushered her along. It was the heat. The heat was so strong, I felt sick. I just wanted to go home, in the air conditioning. Maybe I was too harsh. Suddenly as I found balance back on my feet, I had a feeling deep within me, in my bones… I'd never been surer. I swallowed down the nausea, picked up my dress and ran out of my office grabbing Sarek's arm and pulling him with me down the corridor

"She's in the woods." I yelled down the corridor. As we reached the door, I grabbed our cloaks turning around to see Felix who stood behind Sarek.

"Get the ship ready" I commanded before turning my attention to Sarek, my hand over my stomach trying to stop the fear from taking over. During this time, I had hardly realized that I had let my mental wall down, the wall I kept up to block my husband from reading my most private thoughts and feelings. I didn't care anymore about hiding these things from him. My mind raced with all the possible fears as we rushed out the door, down the stairs and onto the launch pad. _What happened if she reached Vulcan's forge, she wouldn't last five seconds. It's so cold outside, Sarek. It's beginning winter, she must be so cold. Did you see her coat on the rack? She must be hungry. She must-_

"Amanda" he simply said, his voice usually monotone and rough, but lighter and calm. I felt the tears well in my eyes again, but I forced them down in my stomach upon seeing Felix running up to us as we stood on the launch pad. The wind was ferocious on the launch pad, even with Felix yelling over the wind I could barely make out when he yelled,

"Ready, Ambassador"

Within moments we found ourselves running across the launch pad and into the ship. I dropped our cloaks on the chair behind the Pilots before taking a seat in the main chair. I loaded the launch settings before turning on the engine.

"Where is the location of this hole you found?" Sarek asked, suddenly by my side. I pushed the button preparing for take-off.

"Probably four miles or so into the wood." I ushered myself into the safety belt "Michael saw a hole in the ground and thought it would lead to somewhere other than here, I told her that it was nothing, that she knows Alice is just a book and not real. I must have been too harsh, but the heat was getting to me and we needed to go"

While I heard Sarek speak, his words did not register in my head, only the dangers of Vulcan's forge rushed through my head, I tried not to think of what condition this poor child was in for I started to get a bile taste in my mouth.

"It's the beginning of winter now. It's 7 degrees Celsius. She could be hypothermic; did you see her coat? If she's been outside for over an hour without a coat, hypothermia would have set in, we need to increase the temperature in this ship to at least 28 degrees. Computer, increase temperature in the cabin to 28 degrees Celsius ".

"Amanda." He placed his hand on my shoulder "Amanda, perhaps it would be wise if I take command given your emotional status"

….Seriously? My head turned slowly to face him, my face stern, and hard. Instead of speaking, I grabbed the throttle and lifted us off the ground.

"Just be prepared to take control when we spot her" I felt the coldness in my voice, but I didn't care. He quickly sat down in the co-pilots chair and placed his safety belt around him. I gently maneuvered the ship in the air before turning on autopilot. We moved slowly as we reached the trees of the woods.

"-burning with curiosity, she ran across the field and was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit hole under a hedge. In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again" (*1)

I could feel Sareks' eyes on me as I spoke the passage, and soon we reached within the clusters of trees a familiar tiny tree by a small canal and there out of the corner of my eye I saw a small patch of white. My heart leapt out of my chest as I focused more on the object, quickly I made out the black frow, arms and legs.

"It's her!" I jumped up from my seat. "Take control! And I told you those white pajamas weren't useless!"

He took the throttle as I pressed the button preparing for landing. The hatch wasn't even all the way open when I ran out and through the trees to the child. The cold air hit me like a ton of bricks, Vulcan winters were not as bad as what we have back on Earth, but when one lives on a hot planet for a long time, the body becomes less accustomed to cold. I felt myself shake from the cold as I fell to my knees beside her beside her, my hands caressing her cheeks. "Michael" I called, "Michael!" I heard her let out of light whimper and I sighed with relief "Oh honey, thank god your alive". She was very cold, but alive. As I moved to examine her I found intertwined in her hands the copy of the white book with the mad hatter and little girl on the cover in the black ink. Realising I was right, I sighed sadly and quickly began to examine her body, pressing her legs, arms, and neck watching for any signs of distress. If she had any broken bones, I couldn't move her as it would irritate her injuries more. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I soon discovered she had numerous bite marks on her. _What the hell were those from?_ Thankfully, after a quick check nothing seemed out of place or clearly broken, even though I was scared to pick her up I knew she had to be moved quickly. Feeling a surge of strength, I scooped her up in my arms and ran back into the ship where I placed her on the ground.

"Michael!" I called again "Michael!"

As the hatch door shut and I opened the medical bag, the child groaned and opened her eyes starting to mumble incoherently. _What are you saying, child?_

"She's definitely hypothermic" I sighed and taking the tricorder out of the bag scanning her body from head to toe as we lifted off the ground. I looked at Sarek who was concentrated at the controls,

"but is she alive?" Sarek asked still primarily focused on the controls,

"She is alive" I reassured, looking at the tricorder. "She hypothermic and has many insect bites on her body. The tricorder says she possibly has trauma to the head, so I imagine she must have fallen. Hurry us back home and call for the doctor!"

Reaching for our cloaks on the chair nearby, I wrap them around her like a baby. I pulled her into my lap and held her close attempting to warm her with my body heat. As the ride home lingered and lingered, I cradled the cold child close to me, and even started to rock her gently. After a moment she started to groan again and eventually open her eyes.

"Michael." I sighed in relief, "Michael, honey." I caressed her face gently, my voice low "Why did you run away?" I asked,

Through clenched teeth she said "mommmommyy" repeating it over and over, poor girl was clearly delirious. "moommmmmmy' she continued threw chattering teeth.

"It's alright, sweetie" I whispered, and continue to rock her gently.

* * *

I looked at the clock on the wall as I sat by the bedside of our young ward, 3:00AM. The human doctor had greeted us as we walked through the house, taking the half conscious and shivering little girl from my arms. After a couple of hours, he finally packing up and prepared to take his leave. The light blue sky shining through the window reminded me of my pounding headache. I rubbed my aching head feeling the weights on my eyes get heavier and heavier. I glanced at Sarek who stood on the other side of the bed, he looked tired.

"Ambassador, Lady Amanda" The doctor stood at the edge of the bed, "Young Michael's condition is now stable. She has sustained a concussion, several bite wounds, and mild hypothermia. I have administered a course of antibiotics to ward off infection, and warm fluids to elevate her body temperature. Given her age and persistence, there should be no lasting effects of the ordeal. I shall take my leave, and come back in the evening to check on her"

My eyes were growing heavier by the minute with pain and sleep, my hair was probably a mess and I could feel the makeup from 24 hours earlier all but gone from my face. I managed a smile before looking back down at the sleeping child in her bed, I caressed her little hand as it lay against the soft covers.

"Is she in any pain?" I asked the doctor; the drowsiness filled my voice.

"She is not in any pain now, Lady Amanda. I have given her some pain medicine".

With a nod, I watched the doctor leave the room with Sarek trailing behind before turning back to the child. She looked so peaceful, I caressed her forehead gently as her eyes started to flutter and soon, she opened them.

"Hey" I whispered, "Hey sweetie." She turned her head to me, "You're alright. Your home now." After a moment, I asked "Can you tell me why you ran away? I promise you, you are not in any trouble"

Her sweet little voice was raspy and rough but thankfully she had stopped shivering. "I was trying to find my mommy. I thought she'd be in the rabbit hole"

"What do you mean, sweetie?" I suddenly saw Sarek in the doorway out of the corner of my eye, I continued to stroke her forehead "You know Alice is just a story".

"I wanted to see my mummy and daddy again".

She was learning the ways of logic from Spock and Sarek and I knew I had to phrase what I was going to say next in a way that I knew she understood. So, I mentioned logic.

"You know" I drew in a breath, "logically, that there is no rabbit hole, yes?" after a moment, she nodded, I wiped the single tear that fell from the corner of her eye "and you know that you're your mommy and daddy are in a better place, yes?" She nodded again. My voice softened and this next part, it hurt me greatly to say this, but it had to be said "And you know, logically, that running away won't make them come back, yes?" I wiped the tears as they continued to fall silently from her eyes. "But you know, logically, that I love you, yes?" I didn't expect to her to give an answer, but I wanted her to at least hear it. After a moment of hesitation my heart leapt as she nodded, it was slow and a bit unsure, but she nodded.

I smiled sadly and watched as she drifted back into sleep. I looked up seeing Sarek still watching from the doorway. I got up slowly as to not disturb the sleeping child and left the room shutting the door quickly before following Sarek downstairs where all the emotions of the night were finally released. I stood by the sofa as he just looked at me, at first, he didn't say a word and I thought he was angry.

"I know what you're going to say, Sarek" I looked down rubbing my aching temples feeling the pounding start up again "It's my fault that she got the idea, you can save your breath"

When I looked up at him, he looked almost confused. "On the contrary, I wanted to express my gratitude to you. I wish to tell you how proud I am of how you reacted tonight given the rather stressful situation that unfolded".

Yea, I was stunned in my tracks. I stood there silent for a moment before finally speaking, "You…you don't blame me? You heard her. She thought the rabbit hole somehow lead to her parents; she never would have gotten that idea if it weren't for me reading her the book."

Please don't think he always blamed me for things. The first and last time he blamed humanity for the diminished of logic was when Spock got into his first fight, he promised he would never do such a thing again and he hasn't, but this time, I felt for sure he would, because it was my fault. He never lied to me, and I couldn't help but think he was.

"Amanda, I would never lie to you." He walked closer to me, "Logically the idea of the rabbit hole was incepted into her mind because of the book, yes. However, it is my understanding that in times of distress human children use their imagination as a way of coping. The child said that she is aware of the book being merely a story. Logically, this is not your fault"

The room started to spin, the pounding in my head worsened. The nausea returned as my head suddenly felt like a block of ice being picked at by a sharp object.

"It's my fault" I whispered, holding my hand over my head. "It is. Your lying"

His arms wrapped around me and the pulled me gently over to the sofa and sat down. I rested my head on his shoulder and cried, it was me who incepted the idea into her head, it was me who did it. I'm the reason why she-

"Your thoughts are illogical, Amanda." He said simply,

The pounding head, the fear, the guilt, it had all caught up with me, I felt a forcing feeling in my throat and chest and the familiar taste of bile. I shot up from the sofa and I ran into the bedroom to the bathroom where the anger, fear, guilt, and sadness were released into the toilet.

"I was unaware that emotional distress could lead to symptoms of physical ailments" I heard Sarek's voice through the doorway. He crouched down behind me and rested his hand on my back.

"Your thoughts are illogical, Amanda. This is not your fault" He repeated.

And again, into the later hours of the early morning, as he held me in his arms on the bathroom floor repeating the same words over and over as my head rested on his chest, the tears running down my cheeks.

"Your thoughts are illogical, Amanda. It's not your fault".

~*~ End ~*~

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, I wrote that Sarek and Amanda have a heated argument about the events in the story. However, upon writing and editing, it was too close to the crucial one they had in Star Trek: Discovery (ep; Light and Shadows) about the children's childhood and I realized that since I'm following the Discovery story line it wouldn't be right to have them argue about it so early in the timeline.   
> So, I figured that Amanda being hard on herself, and Sarek using his logic to calm his wife, was compromise for not having a heated argument like I originally wanted. If you have any better idea's, I'd love to hear them in the suggestions below. As always, reviews and constructive criticism are welcome!
> 
> 1* Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll


End file.
